I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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