When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
the day after is always just damage control
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
