He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Randomize
