Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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