You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
