my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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