He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
