dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
