I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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