There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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