No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
