everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
