why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
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