i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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