i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
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