On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize