fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Someone came in the potted fern
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
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