I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
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