wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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