defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
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