She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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