My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
