Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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