only if we run a train.
done.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
