So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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