At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
