oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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