You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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