Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
