I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
