At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
