I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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