Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
even my farts smell like vagina
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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