I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
