Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
