Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
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