I think I am morally bankrupt
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
My vagina just clenched in fear
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
