You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
