BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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