Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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