It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
