and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
