never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
