i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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