Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
