those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
