1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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