my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
