Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
