you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
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