he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
