I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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