rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
