He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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