Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
