conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
