I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
