I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
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