you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
