There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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