i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Randomize
